The Sound Of Silence
by Rose Tinted Contact Lenses
Summary: Tali'Zorah can't sleep - and what, exactly, is Shepard doing up so late? T for language and thresher maws.


_The title comes from the name of a song. _

_Anyway, this is a look at Tali and Shepard's insomnia, and the "it's too quiet" conversation. Basically came from that and the fact that no-one would survive something like Akuze without a few scars, even this, normally chipper, Shep._

_Angst, post-traumatic stress, some __**not-quite**__-one-sided Tali/Shep and... um, Blasto. _

_Set in the same ficverse as _Observation & Engineering_ and _John,_ but is a bit darker (hopefully hits the right balance of angst and light fluff). T for some language and for thresher maws._

**The Sound Of Silence**

He still has the nightmares.

They are when he stops being "Commander Shepard" - when he no longer plays the decorated, stoic survivor and squad leader. In the darkness of his bunk, there are nights when he is reduced back to John Shepard, the still-wet-behind-the-ears Earthborn stationed on Akuze who thinks he's seen it all and realises - far, far too late - that he hasn't. No, he hasn't, he realises, when he watches those... _things_ tear his colleagues, his friends, into pieces, when he sees the glazed eyes of the few that haven't been dragged underground staring up at him.

Many say that the brain blocks out traumatic memories, as a coping mechanism, and this is mostly true. Some, however, still remain, and will probably be etched into his mind forever: coming face-to... what he thinks is a face with a thresher maw; incredible pain; running, lungs burning, barely able to breathe, with something primal - not even his conscious mind - in him that recognises a predator screaming at him to _run, run and never stop_...

These nights are less and less frequent as time goes on, and he's managed not to wake up screaming any more, but, when they happen, he still crashes into wakefulness scared shitless and taking a moment to remember where he is.

* * *

><p>This is one of those nights.<p>

Trying to convince himself that he _isn't _hyperventilating, of course not, he's a grown man and knows better than to panic over a dream, he resigns himself to the fact that sleep is an impossibility - for a while, at least. Getting dressed, and trying not to notice the scars that remind him that not _all _nightmares are total fantasy, he grabs his datapad and trudges down to the mess, wondering whether any of the crew are still up. He looks at the clock - he doubts it.

* * *

><p>Shepard looks up at the sound of footsteps. Footsteps of someone obviously trying to be very, very quiet, and, if he isn't mistaken - he doesn't <em>think <em>he is _- _unusually light footsteps, as if they're balancing their weight oddly. "Um, Tali?"

There is a small cry, then she appears. _"Keelah, _Shepard, you scared me! What are you doing down here at _this _time of night?"

He raises an eyebrow. "I could ask you the same question."

"I... uh..." She moves to sit down opposite him. "What are you reading?"

"Um... mission reports," he says far too quickly, but she has already picked up his datapad.

* * *

><p><em>A hush fell over the crowd<em>. _All hope was surely lost..._

_Suddenly, a roar rose from behind them. They couldn't see its source, but didn't need to. Their saviour had arrived! "ENKINDLE __**THIS,**__ MOTHER -_ "

* * *

><p><em>Dammit<em>. He swears he can _hear _her raising her eyebrows. "_Blasto: The Movie Novelisation? _Such interesting 'mission reports', Shepard._"_

He clears his throat. "Well, it's damn near impossible to get a copy of the movie. Joker's working on it, but he tracked this down. I wanted to see if it was as bad as everyone said."

"Is it?"

"It's... um... an unacknowledged masterpiece," he says, grimacing, the grimace turning into a warm smile at Tali's involuntary giggle. "So, why _are _you down here?"

She is quieter, hesitant, reluctant to point out any problem with his wonderful ship. "John, I... I can't sleep. It's too quiet."

He suppresses the inexplicable surge of happiness at her remembering his name and frowns. "I kinda like the peace, myself."

"On the Fleet, it always means something has gone wrong with the ship. An engine isn't working, the ventilation systems are offline..."

He nods. "I understand - I think."

"But... why aren't _you_ asleep?"

He considers simply not telling her - Akuze is... personal. He doesn't ever want his crew to see him like he is when he wakes from a nightmare, and, in his opinion, the less they know about what happened down there the better. However, Tali is a friend, and she told him about her mother. A memory for a memory, he guesses. "Have... have you heard of why a few people know who I am? And yet they can't call Ash or Kaidan by name?"

Tali nods her head, trying to ignore the twinge of jealousy provoked by him using Williams's nickname and stop her mind racing - _They are... familiar, then? Well, of course, they work together, but.._. She drags herself back to the conversation. "I saw the newscasts - something about thresher maws on Akuze..."

"Yeah." He clears his throat, unable to meet her eye. "I lost a lot of friends that day. And, well, something like that doesn't fade easily." He looks back to her, clearly eager to change the subject. "But, anyway, the ship's still running fine. It's muffled, but..."

"_Muffled?_ It's _silent..._"

He looks her straight in the eye then, and she has to swallow, almost unable to meet his gaze - she is half-afraid of what she might find there. "_Listen," _is all he says, very softly.

So she does. In the almost-silence, there is a trace of something, so quiet it's almost undetectable - the low, whirring hum of a ship running, the near-constant soundtrack to her life. It brings so many memories flooding back to her that, for a moment, she has to close her eyes. She should have noticed, but, being unable to sleep, she's been catching up on work with her omni-tool - there has been no opportunity for total quiet.

"The makers could only guarantee _virtual _interior silence," he adds, smiling. "No ship has the technology yet to actually not make a _sound_ while running. If you're ever worried, just stay still and listen."

"Thank you, John."

She is obviously grateful, and, just in that moment, for a strange reason, everything in him wishes he could see her smile, just once. He quashes it, trying not to shake his head for being a fool, and just replies, "No problem."

She makes her way back to Engineering, and, in the quiet before the dawn, Shepard sits and thinks.

_A single-parter this time, but this doesn't mean these shorts are getting shorter - length varies according to subject matter._


End file.
